Starting Over

My last post I spoke about how I hate the word diet and true changes from quiet consistency.  I think me using the term quiet consistency made me feel like I should take a little time off from writing, but in all honesty, writing is such an outlet for me.  I really meant to write a post last Saturday, because that was a whirlwind of feelings for me.

I had the opportunity to model competition bikinis in a fashion show at a seminar for one of  the body building competitions I will compete in.  I was very excited for this, and I thought the entire day would be great, but to say the truth, it was more of an emotional whirlwind for me.  I learned so much from the seminar, and I felt a little embarrassed.

As I pulled up the figure suit I first tried on, I was so excited and I thought, “YES! Blue is my color!”  As I looked around, I had two huge anxieties revealed themselves.  I was the only model that did not get a spray tan.  I knew the spray tan was a huge part of the actual competition day, but I didn’t think it was necessary for me to model a suit.  Not only did I stick out like a sore thumb with the lack of spray tan, I was also not nearly as lean as some of the other models.  I tried to remind myself I have come so far already, but it was so hard not to compare when we all were backstage getting ready.

Then, another very large insecurity unveiled.  All the other models (except for 1), competed before.  While I was told posing for the show will be very relaxed and not a big deal, the other models knew what to do and posing looked so natural to them.  I had my supportive boyfriend take pictures of me up on stage, and I am too embarrassed to post them because I am insecure of how different I look, and how I felt that day up on stage.  I know it says a lot I had the courage to put on a competition suit 12 weeks out from my first competition, I just have to remind myself how important it was I did that, at that time.

I learned so much, and met a great group of inspiring girls, and it really realigned my mental path of my journey.  I was riding this high wave of all this progress, the multiple inches I have lost, the number of pounds,  how my clothes were fitting, etc.  Honestly, last Saturday kind of felt like a slap in the face reminding me of how much further I have to go.

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All of the models backstage during the fashion show

This is why everything is a journey.  A journey has its ups and downs.  Many people get distracted or sidetracked or feel like a failure when they view someone’s Facebook profile or Instagram account, heck, I felt that way this Saturday.  It is our ability to understand what the Universe is trying to teach you.  The Universe was trying to teach me not to compare myself to others, be grateful for what I have, and accept that I have so much more to learn and grow.

I made one of my first posts titled, “We All Start Somewhere,” and after last Saturday, it felt like it was a rebirth or a new start for me.  Exactly 12 weeks out from my first show, now is the time to buckle down, get my diet on point, get my prep on point, and the thing that needs a lot of work, my posing on point.  I did take one picture in the mirror that I am comfortable sharing, that made me decide I definitely want some sort of shade of blue for a suit. IMG_20190216_140541956

As always, I end with gratitude.  Thank you for reading where I am at in my journey.

 

Annie

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